I just went and had a shower and the whole time someone was screaming in my head (not sure who). This doesn’t happen very often and is probably because I had only just finished my last post before showering. But it reminded me of some stuff I didn’t mention earlier. We only ever shower every 2nd day (or 3rd if we are doing really bad) and this is because even without looking down the whole process of washing yourself is about the physical body and is very hard for us. We have a lot of trouble with any task that is a reminder of the body - like getting dressed. We only ever get dressed when we are going out. The rest of the time we stay in baggy pjs or dressing gown in an attempt to cover up the body. And if we do go out as soon as we get home we get out of clothes immediately. The sensation of having them on is too overwhelming and upsetting for some as it is a constant reminder of this physical body - a body that is WRONG for them. For example, just wearing a bra causes a lot of anxiety for some of the people inside. It’s very hard for people on the outside to understand this. It comes across as lazy or slovenly and even disgusting. This is hard on me in a different way to the others as it is my body and I feel like those criticisms from the outside are a true description of me - lazy and disgusting.
I am Donna and I am multiple (have MPD/DID). I am co-conscious with whoever comes out the front but since I first found out they existed they have mostly hidden themselves from me as I was too unstable to face what was happening. I have depression, C-PTSD and borderline personality disorder. I cut and I am suicidal This blog was for me to figure out who I really am by learning about everyone else and how we fit together, but at the moment I'm just trying to handle the pain the best way I can.
Unless otherwise stated the writing on this page is my own (Donna). When the others write anything it will say so.